So ever since my birthday i have been thinking alot about my life and how i need to do something with my life i mean i have been thinking that for the last few years but it just hit me alot harder since i had my birthday, and it sucks cause im not sure what i want to do with my life i keep telling myself i should go back to school but i feel that its pointless. I mean its not pointless to go to school but for me it feels like it is cause all i would want to go to school for is film stuff but its not like if i get a degree in it i will get in the business you pretty much need to know someone to get a foot in, i feel that i should just skip the school and keep trying by doing videos on my own, but then again i need to start doing videos its been about 4 months since i have made a video which sucks.
also another thing that i have been thinking about is i think its time i actually looked for a girlfriend i think i might be ready to settle down, but as i think about it i feel like a piece of shit cause im a jobless, living at my moms worthless piece of shit, so with me thinking like that i find myself being semi depressed when it comes to wanting to ask a girl out which i need to stop doing cause its just gonna fuck me up in the long run, and then i will be like the 40 year old virgin guy who is afraid to talk to girls haha but thankfully im not a virgin although i wish i was with the few times that i have had sex haha. and then also what makes me not pursue asking anyone out is i keep putting down myself, which i mean is my own fault cause im not really trying to fix the damn problem, well im trying but its hard living in the ghetto and being jobless, since i dont have the money for a gym and im to afraid to go walking around town cause im sure me being a big bald white guy someone will think im some fucking racist nazi skinhead. and also another thing about my looks/body is im insecure about my size i think its super small and girls will just laugh at it hehe, even though i think a majority of girls are nice enough not to laugh at a guy with a small dick in front of him haha but still i feel as though if i am really small i wont be able to please the girl im trying to do it with .
so that is some stuff that i have though about after i turned 28.....ohhh im so old right haha. the funny part is i know i can fix all of the stuff i mentioned but i just keep putting myself down and it sucks in a way i kinda wish i can be brave enough to try and go out with someone and who knows maybe they will like me enough that it will help boost my self loathing haha, maybe i have to be like some of the people on tumblr and just say fuck it and post a nude pic haha although i would prob try to photoshop it so it makes me look slightly better haha. but i dont know im sure something will happen soon.
oh on a pretty good note though i have got my old band back together finally and we gonna try to start getting stuff together and hopefully make some songs and a cd, and do a few shows, before i decided if i will be leaving California for good since im kinda thinking about it but im not sure now cause some stuff is making me want to stay but other things are making me want to go. who knows i will have a decision in July for sure.
ok thats enough for today i will try to update as often as i can i always forget about this site but its nice to come and talk on here cause im pretty sure no one really reads these so its just a little outlet for me to get some shit off my chest i guess haha
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